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sparklinglife34

[ website | beautiful c*h*a*o*s ]
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[ archive | journal archive ]

It's hard to dance with the devil on your back...so shake him off. <3 [May. 8th, 2012|01:07 am]
sparklinglife34
[Current Location |Eau Claire :)]
[mood |hopefulhopeful]
[music |"Shake It Out" ~ Florence & The Machine <3]

It's been far too long...so here it goes. Buckle your seatbelts, kids, you're in for another long one.

I feel like my emotional confusion for the last 8 months has been that of an elusive labyrinth. It constantly weaves, and is never in one feeling for more than a moment. Every fleeting moment carries new doubts and causes me to second-guess my moves and be overly cautious with every step I take. As a result, I gave up on trying to fix the problems and focus on things at hand: work, friends, family, sleep, etc.

I thought for a while that I was doing well, and to an extent, I was. However, that was overshadowed with the fact that I have been working so hard lately at my jobs that haven't taken too much time to think about how I'm really doing beneath the surface. The surface is always touched upon, whether it's at work, with friends, or even at home. Usually, the surface is a jolly state, or a tired one depending on what time of day it is "touched upon", so to speak. But, I've become so restless as of late, and I thought maybe it would pass over time. Honestly, it didn't begin to pass until these last two weeks. I've been traveling a lot, and as such, I've had more time to relax and stop wondering how I've been doing...I finally have had some quality time to readjust my thought process and come to terms with feelings that I've had repressed for far too long (hence this long-ass blog entry).

On one hand, I would be perfectly happy to oblige you all with the trivial details of my love life (or lack thereof, for the time being), or how some of my closest friends have let me down enough times that I've considered moving just to start off fresh with new faces and friendly places, and leaving the mediocrity behind. But, I feel as if that is more overdone than anything else in the book. My main issue here is not of how I'm viewed by others and how they treat me...but how I view myself (or, more importantly, how I SHOULD view myself).

I've been struggling with the concept of self-confidence since elementary school, I believe. It should come as no surprise that a girl like me would lack confidence, considering she was constantly teased and bullied in elementary and middle school based on looks only, and then overlooked all throughout high school. I mean, I'd be lying if I said that there weren't times where I shined and was able to show my stuff, but it was only during music-related performances. Basically, I was pretty quiet throughout school. Sure, I was outgoing and friendly with everyone, but deep down...my inner turmoil had a voice, and I silenced it throughout the school years. Even in college, I was not ready to face my inner demons and learn to confront them with any form of courage. Instead, I would compartmentalize my emotions until I could deal with them, and ended up repressing a lot of it as a result. I did come to terms with a few things in college, but that damn self-confidence issue would always be the biggest thorn in my side.

It wasn't until last year when an unfortunate "break-up" of sorts threw me into that labyrinth. It shook me to the core, considering it had been quite some time since anything like that has happened. The winds depression and grief overwhelmed me, and the fog of doubt was constantly hovering in the air, and I felt like I had no idea of where to go. This resulted in a number of changes, all of them for the worse...I was a mess for a number of months. Also, during that time, I was also promoted at work to a manager position, and thus, more responsibility and chaos came my way. Not only was I an emotional wreck, but I also was losing my health from lack of sleep from stress. (I have since stepped down and have relaxed and slept more...so my health is returning.)

Now, I should mention that I have since noticed that I was actually in a pretty good place, all things considered, and could have moved on and left the dead horse of my grief and sadness behind me. Nevertheless, hindsight is always 20/20, so I learned my lesson. In the last few months, I thought I was doing much better, and even though I missed certain people more than words could possibly begin to describe, I knew that live needed to carry on. With that, I decided to take my life back into my hands and start a new chapter. It wasn't perfect, but there were many times where I noticed that I was quite happy, and my laughter was real, and not just a façade to keep my friends at bay with. I started seeing the beauty in things again, after a long period of being too sad to notice the little things that make life so amazing. I was gaining a new sense of positivity. Everything was going well...but something was missing.

I really thought that it was the fact that I missed so many of my distant friends, some more than others, and that I longed to embrace them once again after such a long time. I went to Chicago and had a wonderful time there (again, all things considered), but I was sad that the one person I wanted to see more than anyone was never available to hang out with me. I did meet some amazing people, and one person in particular changed my life a bit by making me feel special again after another long period of feeling dark and gloomy. He helped to shine a light on my confidence and renew my spirit of optimism again. I owe him so much. This weekend, I was to see my friend that I missed last weekend...but again, it wasn't in the cards like we had planned. I was wrong, and began to jump to conclusions about him, and got upset with him for no good reason. I still feel bad even now, but he understood, and I'm so incredibly thankful for that.

I'm also visiting friends right now whom I haven't seen since October. One friend that I saw briefly in February is someone I've been wanting to hang with for a while, and was one of the main causes of my confusion in the earlier months. However, he has since turned into one of my dearest and closest friends. This week/weekend solidified that more than ever before. In all honesty, HE is what was missing from my life. I missed his friendship. I missed the friendship we had before all of the emotional chaos ensued. Even though we may always have a sense of attraction between us, and though I may care about him more than I can say, I want to see him truly happy, and I know deep down he wants the same for me. I couldn't ask for anything more than that. I'm thankful that we are still able to have heart-to-hearts like we do. Our friendship is the most special one I've ever come across before.

The best part was that we were able to get our repressed feelings out this week in a more "primal" manner, and I think it was a huge reliever of the tension we had between us for a long time. I'm glad that it happened, and I'll always cherish that moment for the rest of my life. It opened a new chapter in our "friend-lationship". He'll always be in my heart, whether near or far. I just hope he knows that I'll always be there for him no matter what happens between us, and though I'll always miss and cherish the old times we shared last summer, I'm looking forward to all of the new experiences we will share together in friendship. I can honestly say that I love him, and I can't see my life being happy at all without him in it somehow. :)

Through all of the time that I've had to myself on these trips, I've come to realize that I have a lot of things that I should be confident about. I'm a good person with a kind heart. I pride myself on making sure those around me are taken care of before I am, and that I wouldn't dream of leaving someone with a broken heart. I have a good sense of humor, and appreciate comedy more than the average person. I love to laugh, and while my laugh isn't all that feminine or delicate, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I am a singer by nature, and while I could be super arrogant and full of myself, I choose to be a sarcastic, self-deprecating girl who usually downplays her abilities to keep a level head on her shoulders. Though my slate isn't particularly "clean" all of the time, I'm a person with deep-rooted morals and a true heart. I think deep down that I know who I am, but I've been so concerned by what others will think of my truest self that I have kept it locked away in fear.

Well...it's time to change all of that. From this point on, I will always be true to myself, even if it doesn't seem right to those around me. Honestly...if they can't handle what I have to offer or what I do to make myself happy, then fuck 'em. I don't need to be everyone's friend, although I'd really like to be. I need myself first, and I must remind myself of that regularly so I can continue on with my head held high. I now know that I have what it takes to succeed, and to carry on with life even in the darkest hours. I also know that at the end of the day, if I need it, that I also have some amazing support from others. I do want to depend on myself first and foremost, but you can't get anywhere in life without true friends. I am blessed with the ones that I've come to know, and I can only hope to have them throughout my life as well.

My sincerest hope is that this entry will help anyone out there who thinks that their truest self isn't good enough for the world. I know that I want to see the unique gifts that lies within everyone in this world. Everyone has something special, a certain spark of new energy. Let that spark turn into a flame, and let it burn bright for the world to see. I look forward to seeing every new torch lit. <3
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All we can do is keep breathing...<3 [Sep. 29th, 2011|10:09 pm]
sparklinglife34
[Tags|]
[Current Location |my candlelit room]
[mood |peacefulpeaceful]
[music |"Be Here Now" ~ Ray LaMontagne <3]

Today, it rained and rained and rained like there was no tomorrow, just as it has for the last few days. The sky looked particularly dark and ominous for a good majority of the day, and then just remained a melancholy shade of dark grey after that. I thought things were just going to stay that way for the whole day.

As I was driving home from work, I was bombarded with a massive downpour on the highway. I almost thought I was hydroplaning at one point, but my wheels are pretty legit, so I was just imagining the worst. :P Bolts of lightning were about 100 feet or so away from my car, and I was worried that I was going to get hit. Luckily, I wasn't. :)

When I arrived back into town, an amazing thing began to happen. Just as I was losing hope that things would ever clear up, the sky began opening up a little bit with every minute that passed. While it was still raining really hard, the sun began to peek out through the clouds, and it was like that portion of the sky was telling me that things were going to be brighter after today.

It was at that point that I realized that I've forgotten something very important in life: No matter what challenges you may face in life, it always gets better if you give it some time. Also, even though the cloudy darkness may fill up the sky, the sun is always right above it. So, even if you can't see the good things in life sometimes, you have to remember that the darkness is only temporary. Sunny days are ahead; you just need to be patient.

I haven't been very patient lately, and have been fighting the program for some time now. But, as I saw this magnificence today, I was listening to "Keep Breathing" by Ingrid Michaelson (which happens to be one of my favorite songs of all time). Just as it was building up to the end where all of the beautiful harmonies mesh together to make an ethereal "epiphany" in the song, the sky allowed the sun to come through and shine its glorious rays through the falling droplets of rain. It proved to cause an epiphany in me as well. I realized that there's always a silver lining. Things might seem to be grim, but there is always something good just around the corner...just wait it out, and most of all, keep breathing. :)

I hope that for those of you out there going through tough times like I have, this entry can be a gentle reminder to stay strong and weather the storm. You never know what beauty can come from the chaos unless you give it a chance to be seen. =]

<3
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*Pre-autumn Thoughts* [Sep. 8th, 2011|12:14 am]
sparklinglife34
[Current Location |bedroom]
[mood |nostalgicnostalgic]
[music |"Grace" ~ Kate Havnevik <3]

It seems as though I don't post until the end of a season, or just before the new season begins. Who knows why. Anyway, I realized that I had not taken the chance at any point this summer to write, and I've missed it more than I can say. I need to express the bittersweetness that has occurred over this summer, but I have a lot to get off of my plate. This is going to be a long one, so buckle up, folks. I want to feel refreshed and relieved at the end of this post. With that being said, here goes nothing.

Between meeting people at anime conventions, to going to the Jersey Shore and seeing my cousin get married, to finding out that fate can be cruel, this summer was a whirlwind of events. I met some awesome people at No Brand Con, ACen, and Matsuricon this summer, as well as in general everyday life. I feel like I met people that I will be getting to know for the rest of my life. I didn't realize how funny life truly could be until I experienced what I did throughout the days of hot, sweltering weather. I met someone this summer who I really thought could be what I deem a true "companion," and that we were going in the right direction this whole summer. To an extent, we actually were doing well and got to know each other pretty well, but everything was so fast. He was a fast friend, and beyond that. We were intimate at an early stage, and in retrospect, I asked for it. When he kissed me for the first time, I literally had asked him what we were doing just before. He told me he was very attracted to me, and that he wanted to be with me, but that there were 3 reasons getting in his way. I think there was a fourth one that he never mentioned. He told me that 1) the distance was too much, 2) he didn't know what he really wanted at that point, and 3) that he didn't want to hurt me. I think that the fourth thing was that he wanted to be true friends with me before starting anything intimate. Instead of going with the flow and accepting his answer, my stubborn yet romantic side was unsatisfied and wanted more. I asked him if he was ever going to kiss me and relieve the tension between us from that day's activities together, but he said that he knew that that question was coming and became very quiet. I just assumed that his answer was no, and tried to move on. He told me that it wasn't, but I knew that there was a good chance that he was going to leave the next day to go home and I would be kiss-less. We ended up laying down on a couch together and after some time, he leaned in and kissed me. It was a night I'll never forget.

We ended up doing a lot of flirting, kissing, and other more intimate things this summer via phone and in person. It made me think that we were close friends but getting to a point where maybe we'd end up together in a more meaningful relationship at some point. He came to visit me again and we went to a wedding, and the whole time it felt like we were a couple. I always felt so comfortable in front of him, especially after our long first phone conversation in April. I never feel comfortable in front of guys unless I know them for a long time, or apparently, if I have been intimate with them. He was an exception though, and made me feel happy from the first time we met. It felt so easy, like it was too good to be true. I didn't realize just how right I was on the latter part until later. As time passed after the wedding visit in July, I felt like he was becoming almost bipolar towards me. One minute, he was as cold as the first snowfall of winter, ignoring me and giving me one word answers...and then in the next moment, he was sending pictures of himself via phone, being passionate in conversations, and calling what we had a "relationship". I was so confused, and when I went to visit him for my birthday, I thought I was going to get some things resolved between us. It was nearing the end of this summer, and I needed some answers, seeing as we were both about to go into major transition periods. I needed to know whether or not he was worth keeping in my heart, or if he was just like every other guy who takes what they need from me and then moves on without any hesitation.

My whole birthday trip really opened my eyes to who he is as a person, friend, and otherwise. He still acted super bipolar towards me from the moment I arrived, and I didn't feel like I deserved it at all. One minute he said he wasn't expecting me for hours and seemed almost mad about it. Then, in the next minute behind closed doors, he expressed how happy he was that I was there to spend time with him. That kind of behavior really doesn't sit well with me, and I can't stand two-faced people. Nevertheless, I did my very best to put on a good face for him so that I could enjoy myself and meet his friends in a happier air. However, by the middle of the second day, I was already more than interested in leaving and going home. I started to pack, and when he realized I was serious, he stopped me, but I almost feel like in a way he honestly wanted me to leave as well. We then had a heated discussion, which we don't often have, and he wasn't acting like the guy that I knew. He was almost a totally different person. There were times when the sweet guy I knew would come out, but it was only when I was ready to let go of him completely. I should've left when I wanted to only because it would have saved me the heartache that I suffered the days after that.

However, because I am a true romantic and a forgiving person, I stayed. While I did have some fun the next day or so, there were times where I really wanted nothing more than to slap him right across his arrogant face. He would tease me relentlessly about anything and everything, but then would want to be close to me, introduce me to his family, and try to impress me without having to demand my attention to do it. I felt like the night before I intended to leave (the 15th) was a good time to ask him why he was acting so weird to me lately, and what was really going on. I knew that he liked me deep down and that he cared about me, but I needed to know if he realized that he was pushing me away. I am a curious person, and unknown answers eat away at my heart and keep me up at night. I asked him what was really happening, and he proceeded to finally inform me that he had a dream about his ex the week before I came, and that he was now questioning his true feelings for her. He told me that the anger and resentment he felt for her throughout the summer might possibly turn into love for her when she returned for the fall semester. I literally felt like a thousand sharp daggers were hurled at me from every direction. My stomach instantly knotted itself into a sailor's knot, and remained that way for literally 2 and a half weeks after returning from the trip. I felt like he was slapping me in the face with his thoughtless words, not remembering that I was the one person he told me who was able to help him realize that she was toxic for him, and ended up talking him into breaking up with her on the day we met in April. It felt like all of the good conversations we had were a waste of time, and that I should've saved my breath.

After much consideration and thought, I don't regret any of the conversations we had throughout our friendship, and I don't regret doing what we did this summer. I guess I should have seen the signs from the beginning, though. They were there, but neither he nor I wanted to recognize them. He probably would say that I was wrong, but if he really thinks about it, there were a lot of actions, Facebook statuses and posts, and things he said on the phone to me that would suggest that his "wrath" towards her was really just anger at her thoughtlessness and a way of dealing with his unrequited love. He never fully got over her, and as much as I don't want to admit it, I was basically a rebound or a temporary fill for the void in his heart. For whatever reason, this girl means that much to him, even though she has basically been described as the devil and the worst person anyone could ever know to those whom I've talked with in passing. Maybe there is more to his previous relationship with her that I will never fully understand, and to be honest, it really isn't my business.

I just hope more than anything that he learns to heal so that he can try to commit to his feelings for someone and not feel like he can't be with someone that will make him truly happy. He can be a difficult person sometimes, but he has a heart of gold. Though I do think that some of the things he did to me were cruel and unnecessary, I accept that at this point, he just doesn't want anything more than a friendship from me. I hope he realizes, though, that the less he talks to me in general, the less I want anything to do with him, friendship or otherwise. I tried reaching out to him after the trip to try and settle the score, but he avoided me for a while. He is too proud to admit when he is wrong sometimes, and I think that because of that, he wasn't interested in hearing what I had to say. I'm mostly upset over losing him as a friend out of this whole ordeal. I am fine being a single woman, I have been for almost 5 years now. I do not need a man to function, but losing my friends is the hardest thing I have dealt with in my life. Considering all of the things we did this summer, and how close we were becoming, the thought of losing his friendship makes me feel like I'm going to crumble into dust. He means so much to me, and I told him from the start that we will always be friends first, no matter what. It seems as though he couldn't promise me the same thing.

While I do honestly hope that someday we end up giving each other a shot, I am in no position to wait around for him. I need to move on, and have already taken many steps in my healing process. I am nobody's doormat...if anything, I'm the one leaving first. I will always care about him as much as I do now, but hopefully, the pain won't linger too long...

I need a Mr. Darcy. I thought he was a contender for that position, but as of right now, he's being benched. Here's to finding a man who can make me completely, perfectly, and incandescently happy. <3
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:) [Mar. 24th, 2011|04:08 am]
sparklinglife34
[Tags|]
[Current Location |my bed :)]
[mood |refreshedrefreshed]
[music |"Fresh Feeling" ~ Eels <3]

Who is ready for a major life change for the better? This girl. :)

I've decided that during Lent, I have a chance to overcome my severe procrastination due to self-doubt. I know I can lose weight...I guess I'm just the kind of person that needs constant support from others to believe that I'm on the right path. Well, that's all about to change.

I just finished re-reading "Self-Reliance" by the timeless and brilliant Ralph Waldo Emerson. His words spoke novels to my heart and soul. It was such a refresher course on what principles I should strive to live by.

"Nothing can bring you peace but yourself. Nothing can bring you peace but the triumph of principles."

He was so far ahead of his time, and every word he ever wrote is true in my life. His literature is equivalent to Grandmother Willow's wisdom in my book. He is spot-on every time.

I'm ready for the change...physically, mentally, and spiritually...are you? ;D

Game face on, paws up...let's go! :o)

Hugs and sprinkles,

~Sandi~
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The Seven Deadly Sins Quiz :) [Mar. 19th, 2011|04:42 am]
sparklinglife34
[Tags|]
[Current Location |bedroom]
[mood |mellowmellow]
[music |"Who Says" ~ Selena Gomez and the Scene]

WRATH.

1. Who did you last get angry with?
Probably myself

2. What is your weapon of choice?
Lightsaber :)

3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex?
I don't like hitting people...nudging, however, is TOTES acceptible.

4. How about of the same sex?
I don't think so.

5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you?
Probably my dad

6. What is/are your pet peeve(s)?
Ignorance, mouth-related noises (i.e. mouth-breathing, coughing without covering, snoring, etc.), certain words, arrogance.

7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily?
I've been trying not to, but sometimes, it's necessary. I mean that you need a reason to guard yourself from some people who have hurt you, and in my case, I refer to painful reminders of being ignored or hurt as a form of holding a grudge.


SLOTH.

1. What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't?
Put on lotion :P

2. What is the latest you've ever woken up?
Oh gosh, probably 6:00 pm

3. Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't?
Lauren Balberchak <3

4. What is the last lame excuse you made?
Saying I wasn't feeling well...but karma was a cold B and gave me ankle pains later :P

5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through?
Too many to count! My faves are the 80s/90s ballads CD collections. I usually have every song, too :P

6. When was the last time you got in a good workout?
Oh wow...probably a month or two ago

7. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today?
Slept through it accidentally...luckily, Kat woke me up so I could let Belle out :)

GLUTTONY.

1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice?
Caramel High Rise Cooler from Caribou Coffee...or Vanilla Bean from Starbucks

2. Meat eaters: white meat or dark meat?
N/A

3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event?
Hm...not too much of a drinker, but I did have 4 Jägerbombs and 3 Sminoff Ices once. I didn't feel a thing the next morning...was actually in pretty good shape. I guess I can hold mah liquor :)

4. Have you ever used a professional diet company?
Nope

5. Do you have an issue with your weight?
Yes and no...currently, yes.

6. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods?
Salty!

7. Have you ever looked at a small house pet or child and thought "lunch"?
Um...WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN. XP


LUST.

1. How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family):
I guess somewhere around 3

2. How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family):
One...and let's just say it was by force.

3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of the opposite gender during a normal conversation?
Um, no. I don't care to do that, personally.

4. Have you "done it"?
Unfortunately, technically yes, but I still consider myself a virgin. If you knew, you'd know my reasoning behind it.

5. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice?
Eyes, hands, and neck...weird, right? I like guys with a strong jaw line and some character to their nose...definition is key to my lust.

6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute?
Absolutely not.

7. Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy?
Nope!

GREED.

1. How many credit cards do you own?
2 store ones, but I never use them.

2. What's your guilty pleasure store?
Lush, or Bath and Body Works.

3. If you had $10 million, what would you do with it?
Help Mom and Dad to retire comfortably, make a good recording demo reel and get proper headshots done, and then move to Dallas and get started on my career. I'd also put a bunch of money towards charity, like to no-kill animal shelters across the US, and to Japan.

4. Would you rather be rich, or famous?
Eh, I would love to be famous, only because I love meeting new people. Being rich can be kind of boring. You can't talk to money, and I'd rather make friendships on my own rather than having to buy them.

5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks?
Nope

6. Have you ever stolen anything?
Yup

7. How many MP3s are on your hard drive?
Too many to count, and that's not fair. I'm a music major; it's my passion. Of COURSE I have a lot of music. :D


PRIDE.

1. What's one thing you have done that you're most proud of?
Being the lead in 2 operas at the same time :)

2. Whats one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of?
Graduating from college, but they've always been supportive and proud of me, so I feel very lucky to have them.

3. What things would you like to accomplish in your life?
Learn how to love my life, and live it to the fullest (in MY terms, no one else's).

4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place?
Honestly, as long as I worked hard, that's all that matters. If I didn't win first place, then it wasn't meant to happen at that moment. I shouldn't stop trying because of it...it only motivates me to work harder.

5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were possibly going to lose?
Absolutely. I love a good challenge, and as I said, as long as I performed at my best, that's all that matters to me.

6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score?
Honestly, yes. I feel guilty about it, even now. I don't like taking the easy way out usually.

7. What did you do today that you're proud of?
I got 100% on my quiz, and I took charge of my life and was productive. :)


ENVY.

1. What item of your friends would you most want to have for your own?
I guess I would love to have the confidence and quick wit that some of my friends are lucky enough to have, and sometimes beauty is a thing I envy, but really, I envy others who are truly satisfied with their lives.

2. Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with?
Mariah Carey's NYC apartment circa 2001, Kim Kardashian, or Trish Stratus

3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be?
No one really, but if I was forced, then I guess I would want to be Yvonne Strahovski :)

4. Have you ever been cheated on?
Yes.

5. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own?
Who hasn't?

6. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself?
Patience

7. Do you wish you'd come up with this survey?
Haha no.

Finally, what is your favorite deadly sin?
Greed or Envy....OHHHH you mean for this survey? I thought you were talking about Fullmetal Alchemist ;)

Enjoy, y'all! <3

Hugs and sprinkles,

~Sandi~

P.S. Don't judge the music...I don't like her singing WHATSOEVER, but I like the message of the song and the melody :)
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Forgiveness is hard to come by these days. [Mar. 14th, 2011|04:48 pm]
sparklinglife34
[Tags|]
[Current Location |Mi casa]
[mood |refreshedrefreshed]
[music |"Keep Breathing" ~ Ingrid Michaelson <3]

REALIZATION TIME! :)

Recently, things have been happening in my life that I'm not particularly happy about. I noticed that I have been feeling down lately on myself for a few of those things, because I was so sure that they were my fault. I have an issue with feeling too much guilt for every little thing that happens. It's something that I've spent time trying to work on, and have gone to therapy for in the past. I've been in a place years ago where I was feeling so much guilt, that I considered doing things that are truly unspeakable to myself. I have come a LONG way since then. I've learned with time that, for me, forgiveness comes so easy when others hurt me, but when I cause others trouble or pain somehow, it's hard for me to let go of my mistakes. I'm usually pretty hard on myself. I'm a person who doesn't like to get into any kind of trouble at the risk that I might be yelled at because I know better.

The other day, I got my first speeding ticket ever. There was a big fine, and some points were taken off of my license. The bad part for me was that I was on my way to pick someone up to go to a convention, and I was already late because of something else. I tried pulling to the right lane, but someone boxed me in. Then, I tried to move to the left lane because this guy was basically tailing me and wouldn't move to the next lane. So, as I was pulling over into the next lane, the guy already had be scared for my life (I don't do well with driving dangerously), and I sped more than I needed to. I saw a cop about 2 seconds later getting into his car from the side of the highway, and I was so sure that I was going to be okay. About a minute later, I had already slowed down, and the cop came a'tailing me. I immediately pulled over, and got out my license and did everything the right way. The only thing was that he clocked me at 72 on a 55 mph highway. That just wasn't true. The most I went was around 67 TOPS. Even then, I'm such a Nervous Nellie about driving sometimes. The cop seemed pretty friendly, took my license, and went to his car. He came back after a few minutes and told me I was going to have a HUGE ticket, and that he was "nice enough" to take off 2 mph so that I wouldn't have to pay $80 MORE. I was so frustrated and disappointed with myself that I started getting upset. My mom always told me to never drive while feeling overly emotional, but I had to, considering I was already late. It was just a terrible morning/afternoon. Things got a little better around the evening, but I didn't get any sleep that night because of how guilty I felt.

Over time, I've thought about it, and yes, I made a mistake. However, it's not like I was driving drunk, or tailing someone, or having road rage. I just made one simple mistake, and I didn't get away with it. I learned that I have to accept the good with the bad, even if it is embarrassing. Funny enough, while I hate the feeling of embarrassment, I'm the girl that wished that she had more funny stories to tell of embarrassing situations. I've heard so many people tell their horror stories, and instead of having the look of guilt on their face, they can honestly laugh about it. That is a goal that I would love to achieve. I want to be able to laugh at myself, and have less shame about little things that I've done. I'm so used to hating on myself and sweating over the small things in life, and really, it's totally unnecessary. The mature thing to do would be to find a way to get over it and forgive myself for being human. I need to just focus on the positive things that I've done, and keep moving in life, no matter what happens.

I need to remember my mantra:

"Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you respond to it."

I want to learn how to make that 90% positive and strong so that I can continue to grow as a person. I'm on the road to gaining my inner strength back, and I need to remember not to let the stupid stuff get me down and knock me off-course. I hope that you are all enjoying your own personal journeys in life, and making the most of every opportunity to grow that comes your way.

No matter what happens (good or bad), just remember one thing, y'all:

Keep your paws up and your game face on. :)

Hugs and sprinkles,

~Sandi~
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Falling too fast and too hard really smarts when you reach the ground. [Mar. 10th, 2011|10:38 pm]
sparklinglife34
[Tags|]
[Current Location |candlelit room]
[mood |worriedworried]
[music |"Nice Dream" ~ Christopher O'Riley <3]

Sorry, folks, this one is a long one...but it is the most meaningful entry I've ever put in, so I hope you take time to read it all. I really put my heart and soul into it, and I hope some of you can relate somehow, or learn something from it. <3

I realized today (just as I have so many times before) that I fall far too fast "in like" with people sometimes. I turn a blind eye to the yellow lights or warning signs that life throws in my face to slow me down. I just live in a ignorant state that maybe something could happen between someone and I, even though I've known them for only a short time. I don't think there have been any cases where I've been friends with someone for a long time before realizing that I like them. Ironically, the movies that are centered on a relationship that began with a long-term friendship (i.e. Just Friends) are the ones that I tend to reach for in the video store, and yet, my actions are totally opposite in my own life.

Sure, I long to find my true soulmate just like everyone else; someone who can be the peanut butter to my jelly. However, I have never been a fan of dating in public. I find it totally awkward, and usually in my experience, a total waste of time. I would much rather have a night in with someone and watch a movie, or go to a park and talk than go to dinner. I love food as much as the next person, but honestly, seeing another person eat on the first date is just not something I'm interested in. To me, it is far more meaningful to have an extensive conversation with someone in order to get to know them more intimately, and I personally like going to a more clandestine location to talk quietly with someone than out in the open. Who knows? Someone could come up and do something to interrupt the date and ruin everything. It might sound negative, but with my bad luck, it could potentially happen.

Plus, I have this horrible tendency to tell my life story when I'm with someone that I care about or like in some fashion, even if it is only a mere crush. It isn't a good thing because it leaves no mystery whatsoever. I recently had a situation with a guy that I have grown to like a lot, even with what few conversations we've had, and the limited time that we've shared together. When we talk, everything is so easy and loose, carefree and comfortable. I didn't feel like an idiot when I messed up in front of him for whatever reason. No topic was off-limits for us. It was so refreshing and nice to be around someone like him, and I had not gotten to the point of falling for him just yet. With that being said, I was subconsciously on the edge, and when we had casual dinner together alone one night, it pushed me over into the "like zone". I didn't want to go there mentally, but it ended up happening anyway. Once I'm there, it's a done deal.

Now that we have been apart for a few weeks, it is hard for me not to want to know more about them. Naturally, I've been asking very blunt questions about their personal life, and it seems like now, more topics are becoming taboo subjects as a result. I don't like when people close off their heart to me after being so forthcoming with information. I get defensive and retreat back into my shell, and never want to come back out again. It seems weird and annoying, but that's just my natural way of being. It's gotten better over the last few years, but I need to find someone who can be patient with me, and not judge me for being so defensive sometimes. They always claim that everything is alright, but it makes me worry that I've taken several steps back in our friendship because of my actions. Now, I question everything I say to or ask of them. I wish things could be the way they were before, when we could laugh about the stupid things in the world and not wonder what someone meant by what they said, or what they didn't say.

When I'm in the mindset of liking someone as more than a friend, it is hard for me to shake the feeling, just as it is for anyone. So, my typical reaction to liking someone is a little different from most people. When I like someone, my first intention is to ignore them for a while, and in a way, almost sabotage my chances with them. Sounds crazy, right? Well, if you are someone like me who has experienced a lot of pain when it comes to relationships, you learn to brace yourself to be let down, no matter what. Yes, it is still heart-breaking every time it happens, but you learn how to pick yourself up quicker than the last time and how to protect yourself in the future. In my case, I tend to have a defense mechanism that is relentless. When I like someone, I typically assume that they will never like me back. Without questioning it, I instantly harden like a Metapod. *Yes, I DID just make a Pokemon reference...don't judge*

I don't want to be hurt, so I start shutting them out, purely out of fear that I'll fall too hard, and won't be able to shake it off. Even while I'm hardening, if there is something that they have done to show me that they care about me in some way, even as just a friend, my mind plays the dirty trick on me of setting that memory on loop. It's like watching a kiss scene in a movie over and over and over, but instead of having a heart-warming feeling, it leaves me sad and wondering what might have been. It is a cruel thing for me to overcome, and I instantly start to have aggression towards the person, because I have pre-conceived notions that they will hurt me. In a way, I'm subconsciously making things harder for me when it comes to finding someone truly worthwhile. Eventually, I lose interest in them because I am too worried about exposing my hopes and heart to them, fully believing that they will once again be squashed and forgotten about. So, I never admit to the feelings that I have for someone, out of the fear that I will be rejected harshly and laughed at for being so foolish as to believe in something so silly.

I have turned some people down in the past because they aren't quite what I'm looking for in a guy, when in reality, I haven't taken time to get to know them, either. I tend to shun those who don't give others a chance, but I am actually doing the exact same thing by turning those hopeful guys down. I hate hypocrisy, so naturally, self-loathing comes into play sometimes. :P I'm not saying guys are beating down my door by ANY stretch of the imagination, but there have been guys who have been interested in getting to know me better. I know that I'm attractive and could make someone very happy someday, but right now, I'm still in the healing process from my last ex. I know four years seems like a pretty long time to heal, but I guess I still need time to realign my priorities, since having a boyfriend is pretty low on the totem pole right now.

All things considered, I know that there is a lot I need to work on in order to maintain a successful relationship with someone in the future. I don't want to bombard anyone with crazy antics or defensive mechanisms. I want to be strong enough as a person to try and allow people to come into my life, and learn to expose my truest feelings to them. For now, I honestly like being single, but I know that I don't want to end up being an old maid. I want to find someone who will accept my diva-like nature that I show on the outside, but also the very sensitive and tender nature I have inside my heart.

I'm a true romantic, and a sappy one at that. When I listen to music, I close my eyes and it's as if I have my own personal movie screen on the back of my eyelids. I see images that I wish could happen, dreams that I hope will come true, things that have happened that I can't shake, and fantasies that could only seem logical in my ridiculous mind. Music plays a key role in helping me get over things, and to channel my emotions into making a healthy creation (i.e. this journal entry). I'm currently listening to mostly piano and orchestral music from different anime shows and some soundtracks. I feel at ease because of the keys that the pieces are played in and the lovely melodies, but I also feel the melancholy that is piercing my soul from the touching, powerful, complicated chords in the accompaniment. I have dreams that I will meet someone who feels the power of music in the same way that I do, or at least would tolerate my dramatic reactions to music...but I'm not sure that it will happen for a while. I don't want to say that I want to find someone that will make me happy, since happiness comes from within, so I guess I'll say that I want to find someone who will stimulate the happiness and make my heart swell with joy. :)

Here's to all of you out there who are suffering in the battlefield of love...may God keep his eye on your heart and mind, and help you to strengthen yourself in the long-run. <3

Hugs and sprinkles,

~Sandi~
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Major update/It's been a while! [Dec. 12th, 2010|04:13 pm]
sparklinglife34
[Current Location |room]
[mood |nostalgicnostalgic]
[music |"Ocean Man" ~ Ween <3]

So, gang...how's it going? :) It's been far too long since I've posted, and I figured today was the day. Why, you may ask? Well, it's been a pretty good day so far, so I figured, why not? ^_^

I have some very good news! As of next week, December 19th, I will officially be a college graduate :) Can you believe it? I might actually make it out alive and remotely unscathed! :D

A lot has happened over the last year and a few months. I've learned a lot from both mistakes and successes, and have grown up quite a bit as a result.

I feel like as I'm letting go of things that have held me back in the past, I'm becoming more comfortable in my own skin again...and it's a refreshing feeling to say the very least. For example, I let go of two people in my life that were just hindering my self-worth, and it was difficult not to be so solemn and upset about it at first. Nevertheless, time heals all, and I feel much better now that they are gone. It felt like so much weight was lifted off of my shoulders. They were more of a burden than a blessing, and I'm glad to be finally rid of them once and for all. Sure, I'll still be civil when necessary, and I still reminisce on accident sometimes, but I have no desire to try and reach out to them ever again. They cut me deep with their words, and I'm happy to say that I can laugh at some of the ridiculous things they used to say to me to hurt me. I guess I'm just tired of people who don't know how to be good friends, so now I'm living for the moment, and finding people that are actually genuine and want the best for others. It's a beautiful thing. :D

Another thing that has happened over the last year is that I've finally realized some of my goals for where I want to end up, and what I ultimately wish to do with my life. I met some amazing people in March, and they indirectly helped me to rekindle my dream of being a voice actress. It's something that I've wanted to do for around 6 or 7 years now, and while it only seemed like a mere pipe dream in the past, I feel like I might have a chance at it someday. I know I have a lot of ground to cover, and I have much to learn, but I'm ready to challenge myself and push to be the greatest performer I can be in both voice acting and singing. :)

Since March, I've gone on to meet so many more fascinating and amazing people in "the biz". I never thought I could network, only because I like meeting new people, and can grow fond of people easily (one of my more prominent flaws). In the past, I never really "seized the moment", so you can imagine how amazed I was when I seized one tiny moment, and ended up gaining a kind of "second mom" out of it. While I want to work with these people someday, I also want to know these people for who they really are. I want to know their pet peeves, their favorite things, their hobbies, what music they like to listen to, etc. I want to know them for who they are outside of the studio, outside of the booth, outside of conventions and panels. I like getting to know people, regardless of who they are. I like talking with people, hearing their stories and being able to relate or trying to understand somehow...it opens my eyes to new ideas and helps me to understand the world better :)

Honestly, I am really excited to find out what the future has in store for this little funny Dallas-born girl from Wisconsin :P I want to try new things, and explore the world and experience everything it has to offer :) Here I go!!!

Hugs and sprinkles,

~Sandi~

P.S. I'll be back :)
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Careless Whispers [Sep. 3rd, 2009|12:25 pm]
sparklinglife34
[Current Location |music lounge]
[mood |disappointeddisappointed]
[music |"Stay" ~ SafetySuit]

I feel as if right now all I hear are other people's problems, nothing more. If it isn't boyfriend troubles, or lack there of, lack of satisfaction with someone's seemingly perfect life, petty issues, and mindless drivel. It's more frustrating than words can possibly describe...not so much that they are telling about it, but would they care if I had my own issues? No. They just want to talk about themselves, they don't care about anyone else. And why would they? They are the center of the universe after all, right? It sure seems that way.

It seems like all people do now a day is whine and moan about the dumbest things that don't need to be discussed. Also, the same stories are told over and over to different people. I see how people can like their own gossip now a days, especially when the original source of the information is the person with the issue. Now, I know I'm not perfect and that I do it just like everyone else, and for that, I feel like I can't respect myself on that issue, but at the same time, at least I can address my folly and not be arrogant about it, like most people.

Arrogance seems to be a huge issue in society. True enough, it's good to not pay attention to the harsh words of others...but that only works when the words are a direct attack. If it's a form of constructive criticism and they aren't wanting to care or pay attention, then they are the ones at fault.

I'm having a tough time right now trying to be a newly re-kindled Christian, when all the "holier-than-thou" and ignorant people of the world have something to say about it, and when I'm unable to accept the sheer stupidity and arrogance of others. It's the biggest obstacle I've come across in my life. I'm still not sure I feel 100% about returning to faith...and that just makes it worse. I just don't know anymore.

Maybe I'm just overly tired, maybe I'm just having a bad day...but I'm really down in the dumps right now, and I don't like this feeling. I feel like nothing is going right for me and that God is testing me. Everything has been falling apart since the start of senior year yesterday. So yeah. I just hope things get better...they certainly couldn't get worse.

</3
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End of Summer 2009 Wrap-Up [Aug. 20th, 2009|09:35 am]
sparklinglife34
[Current Location |home]
[mood |pensivepensive]
[music |"Yes" ~ Coldplay]

Well, ladies and gents, it's that time of the year again. The end of the summer. This summer has been quite the whirlwind of emotions, fun times, new friendships, acceptance, a great job, and writing new chapters in the story of my life. I'm sure that everyone feels the same. :)

Also, I just turned 21 on August 15th. Becoming legal has more meaning behind it than the shallow needs of being able to drink, gamble, and go to clubs. It's about becoming a real adult, not just an almost-adult. I believe that between the ages of 18 and 21 you learn how to become an adult, and while you are legally considered an adult at age 18, I don't think people that age are responsible enough to handle real life issues. By the time people turn 21, however, they will have had many experiences, whether they are in or out of college, regarding self-reliance and learning that one has to care for themselves...not count on others to be responsible for them.

Upon turning 21, I've found that life is more than what people make it seem to be. What I mean is that while people constantly tweet and facebook about how wonderful their lives are, or what exciting things they are doing, life isn't about making other people jealous of what you do, or who you are. Life is about accepting others, learning about yourself, doing things that you love that make you truly happy (not make others happy), enjoying the simple things, opening your eyes to a beautiful world that has endless opportunities to grab and go for, and ultimately, life is about trying new things and conquering all fears and goals.

I've also realized that good friends truly are hard to come by. Acquaintances are a dime a dozen, but a real companion...a real friend is something one can endeavor for their whole life, and never find it. I understand that one must always keep their eyes open and attentive, and don't take anything for granted...but I've also learned that keeping your guard up is also necessary when journeying through life. It's been difficult for me to accept that friends, even close ones, can be manipulative, merciless, cruel, and can cause more heartache than happiness with little or no remorse for their actions. I've dealt with more of those kind of friends than I care to remember, but with every new friend, I learn something different every time not only about myself, but about the habits and routines that they follow, and how all of them are similar.

Most of the friends that have hurt me were the ones that I spoiled with my love, care, compassion, and gifts. I'm a very giving person, and I love making my friends smile at any cost. Nevertheless, when they don't care for me, or when I have an issue and they aren't responsive or caring, it hurts more than anything else in the world. Ignorance causes a deeper wound than arrogance. Arrogance can sometimes be cured...but ignorance is a virus that can never be quelled...and can spread to others in the process. It's one of my biggest pet peeves in life.

I feel that real friendship is a concept that isn't rejoiced in anymore...it seems that shallow friendships reign supreme in this new era of social entropy. Instead of friends getting together to have some fun, or having real conversations and heart-to-hearts, friendships are now about going shopping, being in pictures with people and posting them online, texting and tweeting, and pretending to care with the occasional "that sucks" or "aw I'm sorry :(" in response to people's issues. It's really quite sad to see such a decline in social styles. Superficiality is the newest trend, and I'm afraid that it's here for a while. I just wish that people could remember and relive the days of chivalry, paying it forward, and treating others the way you want to be treated.

I guess that's just too much to ask of people...reality does indeed bite.

All in all, this summer has been such a life-changing summer, full of new opportunities, new friends, new aspects on life, new freedoms, new perspectives, new hope, new ideas, new understandings, and most of all...

...a new me. :)

<3
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