|Forgiveness is hard to come by these days.
||[Mar. 14th, 2011|04:48 pm]
REALIZATION TIME! :)
Recently, things have been happening in my life that I'm not particularly happy about. I noticed that I have been feeling down lately on myself for a few of those things, because I was so sure that they were my fault. I have an issue with feeling too much guilt for every little thing that happens. It's something that I've spent time trying to work on, and have gone to therapy for in the past. I've been in a place years ago where I was feeling so much guilt, that I considered doing things that are truly unspeakable to myself. I have come a LONG way since then. I've learned with time that, for me, forgiveness comes so easy when others hurt me, but when I cause others trouble or pain somehow, it's hard for me to let go of my mistakes. I'm usually pretty hard on myself. I'm a person who doesn't like to get into any kind of trouble at the risk that I might be yelled at because I know better.
The other day, I got my first speeding ticket ever. There was a big fine, and some points were taken off of my license. The bad part for me was that I was on my way to pick someone up to go to a convention, and I was already late because of something else. I tried pulling to the right lane, but someone boxed me in. Then, I tried to move to the left lane because this guy was basically tailing me and wouldn't move to the next lane. So, as I was pulling over into the next lane, the guy already had be scared for my life (I don't do well with driving dangerously), and I sped more than I needed to. I saw a cop about 2 seconds later getting into his car from the side of the highway, and I was so sure that I was going to be okay. About a minute later, I had already slowed down, and the cop came a'tailing me. I immediately pulled over, and got out my license and did everything the right way. The only thing was that he clocked me at 72 on a 55 mph highway. That just wasn't true. The most I went was around 67 TOPS. Even then, I'm such a Nervous Nellie about driving sometimes. The cop seemed pretty friendly, took my license, and went to his car. He came back after a few minutes and told me I was going to have a HUGE ticket, and that he was "nice enough" to take off 2 mph so that I wouldn't have to pay $80 MORE. I was so frustrated and disappointed with myself that I started getting upset. My mom always told me to never drive while feeling overly emotional, but I had to, considering I was already late. It was just a terrible morning/afternoon. Things got a little better around the evening, but I didn't get any sleep that night because of how guilty I felt.
Over time, I've thought about it, and yes, I made a mistake. However, it's not like I was driving drunk, or tailing someone, or having road rage. I just made one simple mistake, and I didn't get away with it. I learned that I have to accept the good with the bad, even if it is embarrassing. Funny enough, while I hate the feeling of embarrassment, I'm the girl that wished that she had more funny stories to tell of embarrassing situations. I've heard so many people tell their horror stories, and instead of having the look of guilt on their face, they can honestly laugh about it. That is a goal that I would love to achieve. I want to be able to laugh at myself, and have less shame about little things that I've done. I'm so used to hating on myself and sweating over the small things in life, and really, it's totally unnecessary. The mature thing to do would be to find a way to get over it and forgive myself for being human. I need to just focus on the positive things that I've done, and keep moving in life, no matter what happens.
I need to remember my mantra:
"Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you respond to it."
I want to learn how to make that 90% positive and strong so that I can continue to grow as a person. I'm on the road to gaining my inner strength back, and I need to remember not to let the stupid stuff get me down and knock me off-course. I hope that you are all enjoying your own personal journeys in life, and making the most of every opportunity to grow that comes your way.
No matter what happens (good or bad), just remember one thing, y'all:
Keep your paws up and your game face on. :)
Hugs and sprinkles,