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*Pre-autumn Thoughts* - Life, love, and the endless pursuit of happiness... [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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*Pre-autumn Thoughts* [Sep. 8th, 2011|12:14 am]
[Current Location |bedroom]
[mood |nostalgicnostalgic]
[music |"Grace" ~ Kate Havnevik <3]

It seems as though I don't post until the end of a season, or just before the new season begins. Who knows why. Anyway, I realized that I had not taken the chance at any point this summer to write, and I've missed it more than I can say. I need to express the bittersweetness that has occurred over this summer, but I have a lot to get off of my plate. This is going to be a long one, so buckle up, folks. I want to feel refreshed and relieved at the end of this post. With that being said, here goes nothing.

Between meeting people at anime conventions, to going to the Jersey Shore and seeing my cousin get married, to finding out that fate can be cruel, this summer was a whirlwind of events. I met some awesome people at No Brand Con, ACen, and Matsuricon this summer, as well as in general everyday life. I feel like I met people that I will be getting to know for the rest of my life. I didn't realize how funny life truly could be until I experienced what I did throughout the days of hot, sweltering weather. I met someone this summer who I really thought could be what I deem a true "companion," and that we were going in the right direction this whole summer. To an extent, we actually were doing well and got to know each other pretty well, but everything was so fast. He was a fast friend, and beyond that. We were intimate at an early stage, and in retrospect, I asked for it. When he kissed me for the first time, I literally had asked him what we were doing just before. He told me he was very attracted to me, and that he wanted to be with me, but that there were 3 reasons getting in his way. I think there was a fourth one that he never mentioned. He told me that 1) the distance was too much, 2) he didn't know what he really wanted at that point, and 3) that he didn't want to hurt me. I think that the fourth thing was that he wanted to be true friends with me before starting anything intimate. Instead of going with the flow and accepting his answer, my stubborn yet romantic side was unsatisfied and wanted more. I asked him if he was ever going to kiss me and relieve the tension between us from that day's activities together, but he said that he knew that that question was coming and became very quiet. I just assumed that his answer was no, and tried to move on. He told me that it wasn't, but I knew that there was a good chance that he was going to leave the next day to go home and I would be kiss-less. We ended up laying down on a couch together and after some time, he leaned in and kissed me. It was a night I'll never forget.

We ended up doing a lot of flirting, kissing, and other more intimate things this summer via phone and in person. It made me think that we were close friends but getting to a point where maybe we'd end up together in a more meaningful relationship at some point. He came to visit me again and we went to a wedding, and the whole time it felt like we were a couple. I always felt so comfortable in front of him, especially after our long first phone conversation in April. I never feel comfortable in front of guys unless I know them for a long time, or apparently, if I have been intimate with them. He was an exception though, and made me feel happy from the first time we met. It felt so easy, like it was too good to be true. I didn't realize just how right I was on the latter part until later. As time passed after the wedding visit in July, I felt like he was becoming almost bipolar towards me. One minute, he was as cold as the first snowfall of winter, ignoring me and giving me one word answers...and then in the next moment, he was sending pictures of himself via phone, being passionate in conversations, and calling what we had a "relationship". I was so confused, and when I went to visit him for my birthday, I thought I was going to get some things resolved between us. It was nearing the end of this summer, and I needed some answers, seeing as we were both about to go into major transition periods. I needed to know whether or not he was worth keeping in my heart, or if he was just like every other guy who takes what they need from me and then moves on without any hesitation.

My whole birthday trip really opened my eyes to who he is as a person, friend, and otherwise. He still acted super bipolar towards me from the moment I arrived, and I didn't feel like I deserved it at all. One minute he said he wasn't expecting me for hours and seemed almost mad about it. Then, in the next minute behind closed doors, he expressed how happy he was that I was there to spend time with him. That kind of behavior really doesn't sit well with me, and I can't stand two-faced people. Nevertheless, I did my very best to put on a good face for him so that I could enjoy myself and meet his friends in a happier air. However, by the middle of the second day, I was already more than interested in leaving and going home. I started to pack, and when he realized I was serious, he stopped me, but I almost feel like in a way he honestly wanted me to leave as well. We then had a heated discussion, which we don't often have, and he wasn't acting like the guy that I knew. He was almost a totally different person. There were times when the sweet guy I knew would come out, but it was only when I was ready to let go of him completely. I should've left when I wanted to only because it would have saved me the heartache that I suffered the days after that.

However, because I am a true romantic and a forgiving person, I stayed. While I did have some fun the next day or so, there were times where I really wanted nothing more than to slap him right across his arrogant face. He would tease me relentlessly about anything and everything, but then would want to be close to me, introduce me to his family, and try to impress me without having to demand my attention to do it. I felt like the night before I intended to leave (the 15th) was a good time to ask him why he was acting so weird to me lately, and what was really going on. I knew that he liked me deep down and that he cared about me, but I needed to know if he realized that he was pushing me away. I am a curious person, and unknown answers eat away at my heart and keep me up at night. I asked him what was really happening, and he proceeded to finally inform me that he had a dream about his ex the week before I came, and that he was now questioning his true feelings for her. He told me that the anger and resentment he felt for her throughout the summer might possibly turn into love for her when she returned for the fall semester. I literally felt like a thousand sharp daggers were hurled at me from every direction. My stomach instantly knotted itself into a sailor's knot, and remained that way for literally 2 and a half weeks after returning from the trip. I felt like he was slapping me in the face with his thoughtless words, not remembering that I was the one person he told me who was able to help him realize that she was toxic for him, and ended up talking him into breaking up with her on the day we met in April. It felt like all of the good conversations we had were a waste of time, and that I should've saved my breath.

After much consideration and thought, I don't regret any of the conversations we had throughout our friendship, and I don't regret doing what we did this summer. I guess I should have seen the signs from the beginning, though. They were there, but neither he nor I wanted to recognize them. He probably would say that I was wrong, but if he really thinks about it, there were a lot of actions, Facebook statuses and posts, and things he said on the phone to me that would suggest that his "wrath" towards her was really just anger at her thoughtlessness and a way of dealing with his unrequited love. He never fully got over her, and as much as I don't want to admit it, I was basically a rebound or a temporary fill for the void in his heart. For whatever reason, this girl means that much to him, even though she has basically been described as the devil and the worst person anyone could ever know to those whom I've talked with in passing. Maybe there is more to his previous relationship with her that I will never fully understand, and to be honest, it really isn't my business.

I just hope more than anything that he learns to heal so that he can try to commit to his feelings for someone and not feel like he can't be with someone that will make him truly happy. He can be a difficult person sometimes, but he has a heart of gold. Though I do think that some of the things he did to me were cruel and unnecessary, I accept that at this point, he just doesn't want anything more than a friendship from me. I hope he realizes, though, that the less he talks to me in general, the less I want anything to do with him, friendship or otherwise. I tried reaching out to him after the trip to try and settle the score, but he avoided me for a while. He is too proud to admit when he is wrong sometimes, and I think that because of that, he wasn't interested in hearing what I had to say. I'm mostly upset over losing him as a friend out of this whole ordeal. I am fine being a single woman, I have been for almost 5 years now. I do not need a man to function, but losing my friends is the hardest thing I have dealt with in my life. Considering all of the things we did this summer, and how close we were becoming, the thought of losing his friendship makes me feel like I'm going to crumble into dust. He means so much to me, and I told him from the start that we will always be friends first, no matter what. It seems as though he couldn't promise me the same thing.

While I do honestly hope that someday we end up giving each other a shot, I am in no position to wait around for him. I need to move on, and have already taken many steps in my healing process. I am nobody's doormat...if anything, I'm the one leaving first. I will always care about him as much as I do now, but hopefully, the pain won't linger too long...

I need a Mr. Darcy. I thought he was a contender for that position, but as of right now, he's being benched. Here's to finding a man who can make me completely, perfectly, and incandescently happy. <3