|It's hard to dance with the devil on your back...so shake him off. <3
||[May. 8th, 2012|01:07 am]
|||||Eau Claire :)||]|
|||||"Shake It Out" ~ Florence & The Machine <3||]|
It's been far too long...so here it goes. Buckle your seatbelts, kids, you're in for another long one.
I feel like my emotional confusion for the last 8 months has been that of an elusive labyrinth. It constantly weaves, and is never in one feeling for more than a moment. Every fleeting moment carries new doubts and causes me to second-guess my moves and be overly cautious with every step I take. As a result, I gave up on trying to fix the problems and focus on things at hand: work, friends, family, sleep, etc.
I thought for a while that I was doing well, and to an extent, I was. However, that was overshadowed with the fact that I have been working so hard lately at my jobs that haven't taken too much time to think about how I'm really doing beneath the surface. The surface is always touched upon, whether it's at work, with friends, or even at home. Usually, the surface is a jolly state, or a tired one depending on what time of day it is "touched upon", so to speak. But, I've become so restless as of late, and I thought maybe it would pass over time. Honestly, it didn't begin to pass until these last two weeks. I've been traveling a lot, and as such, I've had more time to relax and stop wondering how I've been doing...I finally have had some quality time to readjust my thought process and come to terms with feelings that I've had repressed for far too long (hence this long-ass blog entry).
On one hand, I would be perfectly happy to oblige you all with the trivial details of my love life (or lack thereof, for the time being), or how some of my closest friends have let me down enough times that I've considered moving just to start off fresh with new faces and friendly places, and leaving the mediocrity behind. But, I feel as if that is more overdone than anything else in the book. My main issue here is not of how I'm viewed by others and how they treat me...but how I view myself (or, more importantly, how I SHOULD view myself).
I've been struggling with the concept of self-confidence since elementary school, I believe. It should come as no surprise that a girl like me would lack confidence, considering she was constantly teased and bullied in elementary and middle school based on looks only, and then overlooked all throughout high school. I mean, I'd be lying if I said that there weren't times where I shined and was able to show my stuff, but it was only during music-related performances. Basically, I was pretty quiet throughout school. Sure, I was outgoing and friendly with everyone, but deep down...my inner turmoil had a voice, and I silenced it throughout the school years. Even in college, I was not ready to face my inner demons and learn to confront them with any form of courage. Instead, I would compartmentalize my emotions until I could deal with them, and ended up repressing a lot of it as a result. I did come to terms with a few things in college, but that damn self-confidence issue would always be the biggest thorn in my side.
It wasn't until last year when an unfortunate "break-up" of sorts threw me into that labyrinth. It shook me to the core, considering it had been quite some time since anything like that has happened. The winds depression and grief overwhelmed me, and the fog of doubt was constantly hovering in the air, and I felt like I had no idea of where to go. This resulted in a number of changes, all of them for the worse...I was a mess for a number of months. Also, during that time, I was also promoted at work to a manager position, and thus, more responsibility and chaos came my way. Not only was I an emotional wreck, but I also was losing my health from lack of sleep from stress. (I have since stepped down and have relaxed and slept more...so my health is returning.)
Now, I should mention that I have since noticed that I was actually in a pretty good place, all things considered, and could have moved on and left the dead horse of my grief and sadness behind me. Nevertheless, hindsight is always 20/20, so I learned my lesson. In the last few months, I thought I was doing much better, and even though I missed certain people more than words could possibly begin to describe, I knew that live needed to carry on. With that, I decided to take my life back into my hands and start a new chapter. It wasn't perfect, but there were many times where I noticed that I was quite happy, and my laughter was real, and not just a façade to keep my friends at bay with. I started seeing the beauty in things again, after a long period of being too sad to notice the little things that make life so amazing. I was gaining a new sense of positivity. Everything was going well...but something was missing.
I really thought that it was the fact that I missed so many of my distant friends, some more than others, and that I longed to embrace them once again after such a long time. I went to Chicago and had a wonderful time there (again, all things considered), but I was sad that the one person I wanted to see more than anyone was never available to hang out with me. I did meet some amazing people, and one person in particular changed my life a bit by making me feel special again after another long period of feeling dark and gloomy. He helped to shine a light on my confidence and renew my spirit of optimism again. I owe him so much. This weekend, I was to see my friend that I missed last weekend...but again, it wasn't in the cards like we had planned. I was wrong, and began to jump to conclusions about him, and got upset with him for no good reason. I still feel bad even now, but he understood, and I'm so incredibly thankful for that.
I'm also visiting friends right now whom I haven't seen since October. One friend that I saw briefly in February is someone I've been wanting to hang with for a while, and was one of the main causes of my confusion in the earlier months. However, he has since turned into one of my dearest and closest friends. This week/weekend solidified that more than ever before. In all honesty, HE is what was missing from my life. I missed his friendship. I missed the friendship we had before all of the emotional chaos ensued. Even though we may always have a sense of attraction between us, and though I may care about him more than I can say, I want to see him truly happy, and I know deep down he wants the same for me. I couldn't ask for anything more than that. I'm thankful that we are still able to have heart-to-hearts like we do. Our friendship is the most special one I've ever come across before.
The best part was that we were able to get our repressed feelings out this week in a more "primal" manner, and I think it was a huge reliever of the tension we had between us for a long time. I'm glad that it happened, and I'll always cherish that moment for the rest of my life. It opened a new chapter in our "friend-lationship". He'll always be in my heart, whether near or far. I just hope he knows that I'll always be there for him no matter what happens between us, and though I'll always miss and cherish the old times we shared last summer, I'm looking forward to all of the new experiences we will share together in friendship. I can honestly say that I love him, and I can't see my life being happy at all without him in it somehow. :)
Through all of the time that I've had to myself on these trips, I've come to realize that I have a lot of things that I should be confident about. I'm a good person with a kind heart. I pride myself on making sure those around me are taken care of before I am, and that I wouldn't dream of leaving someone with a broken heart. I have a good sense of humor, and appreciate comedy more than the average person. I love to laugh, and while my laugh isn't all that feminine or delicate, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I am a singer by nature, and while I could be super arrogant and full of myself, I choose to be a sarcastic, self-deprecating girl who usually downplays her abilities to keep a level head on her shoulders. Though my slate isn't particularly "clean" all of the time, I'm a person with deep-rooted morals and a true heart. I think deep down that I know who I am, but I've been so concerned by what others will think of my truest self that I have kept it locked away in fear.
Well...it's time to change all of that. From this point on, I will always be true to myself, even if it doesn't seem right to those around me. Honestly...if they can't handle what I have to offer or what I do to make myself happy, then fuck 'em. I don't need to be everyone's friend, although I'd really like to be. I need myself first, and I must remind myself of that regularly so I can continue on with my head held high. I now know that I have what it takes to succeed, and to carry on with life even in the darkest hours. I also know that at the end of the day, if I need it, that I also have some amazing support from others. I do want to depend on myself first and foremost, but you can't get anywhere in life without true friends. I am blessed with the ones that I've come to know, and I can only hope to have them throughout my life as well.
My sincerest hope is that this entry will help anyone out there who thinks that their truest self isn't good enough for the world. I know that I want to see the unique gifts that lies within everyone in this world. Everyone has something special, a certain spark of new energy. Let that spark turn into a flame, and let it burn bright for the world to see. I look forward to seeing every new torch lit. <3