||[Nov. 23rd, 2008|11:38 pm]
|||||"Don't Forget" - Demi Lovato||]|
It's so frustrating for me right now to feel just one emotion at a time anymore. I could be totally happy one minute, and within seconds, it could change to total rage because of a stray thought that popped into my head. I'm not psycho, but I'm just so confused more than half of the time about how I really feel about situations.
For example, there is a guy that I've been flirting with for a while now, and he's been very receptive and responsive to me, and he's hit on me a ton of times. But recently, he's been ignoring me for some reason, even when I'm just trying to be a normal, chill friend of his. We both know that we could never see each other as more than friends, and he just wants one thing for us, but that's it. To be honest, I just wanted to keep it that way, too, but I fear that he doesn't think that, and thinks that I want more than that. It is just unrealistic, and irrational, but at the same time, I can't pretend like I haven't thought about it before. There is an element that is blocking us from getting together for anything more than friendship purposes. He's being a jerk and cutting our already small conversations even shorter, and making it seem like I'm a burden for even thinking about talking to him in the first place. It's total bull.
Then, there is another guy who I was getting to know; someone I met at a party, and he seemed nice and all. He was a total gentleman, and I was immediately attracted to him. He treated me so kindly, and made sure I was taken care of, and towards the end of the night, we kissed, which was something I never usually do when just meeting someone. He just seemed like a great guy, and I was really interested in him. He invited me to a party at his place for last night, and I went, and was totally disappointed. I thought he wanted me to be there, but he just ignored me for the most of the night, if not all the night. I was super pissed off, and I had no intention of being there as a burden to him, as well. I also couldn't stand seeing him so drunk and everything, too. He showed his true colors last night, and while I'm happy that happened so that I know what he's like, I'm so disappointed in him. What a let down.
There is another boy that I've had a MAD crush on since about a year-and-a-half ago. He's a sweet guy who's driven, dedicated, kind, thoughtful, and a truly great guy with a lot of heart. I've been enamored with him, and I've kept it as secret as possible, since a stupid girl last year told him that I had a crush on him at the beginning of the year. We're finally getting somewhere this year with our friendship, and I don't want to screw anything up, but I'm so in love with him, and he'll never know. I'm so tired of waiting for something good to go for me with this guy. I'm so done. I'll just have to comply with the "friends only" rule, which is usually what happens to me. So trivial.
All in all, I'm just so mad at myself, and almost feel self-loathing in general. I kinda feel like I hate myself in a way, even when I was starting to get on the right track for the first time. I'm so tired of myself. I just want to free myself from this anger, but it doesn't seem like that's what's gonna happen. Oh, well. Self-loathing it is.
Don't tell me everything is going to be alright, and not to worry so much. It just doesn't work for me, and it's annoying when I'm told to be happy when I'm clearly fucking mad. Nothing personal, it's just how I operate. Please, and thank you.