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Life, love, and the endless pursuit of happiness... [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

[ website | beautiful c*h*a*o*s ]
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Alright, folks, here's an update for you.... [Jun. 1st, 2009|05:02 pm]
[Current Location |mah room.]
[mood |rejuvenatedrejuvenated]
[music |"Cruisin'" ~ D'Angelo]

A) I'm still single, and loving every single minute of it :)
B) I'm in 2 operas in the fall, and I'm the lead in both...and both of them are old, crotchety broads...story of my life. (LOL)
C) I had the most epic final grades this semester than I've ever had before since I started college...so I'm stepping up mah game.
D) I'm nannying this summer for two girls, ages 11 and 13, and I'm a f**kload of money for it, including gas reimbursement. Yeah. Be jealous :) (after two crappy jobs, you'd be excited, too)
E) I've lost 15 pounds so far, and I'm just working on making myself fit, not thin...thin is overrated, and personally, unattractive.
F) I'm currently painting my nails a lavender purple with pink glitter...and I love it :)
G) Melody Gardot is my hero.
H) I'm eliminating all of the unnecessary drama that's in my life, including people that I don't need tearing me down for no good reason. I'm much better than that.
I) I'm in love with Jeffrey Donovan from Burn Notice.
J) NCIS : my existence :: water : flowers.
K) I'm excited for what the future has in store for me, considering all of my newest adventures and such...

and finally,

L) I'm turning 21 on August 15th...and I can hardly wait :)

That is all for now, I will be writing in here more as time goes by...I'm finding that I've been writing more in my actual journal than here, and I feel like Harriet the Spy when I'm writing in it, because it's one of those old school notebooks with no spirals, and a ribbon binding to it, with the paper-mache looking covering with black and white splattered everywhere. :)

I hope all is well with everyone, and I hope you are all happy and healthy :) Enjoy the summer breeze!

much <3,


PS- Also, please follow me on Twitter and add me on MySpace if you haven't already!

Twitter: http://twitter.com/sparklinglife34
MySpace: http://www.myspace.com/sandithesongstress17

Thanks! xoxo
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Getting things done. [Jan. 9th, 2009|04:00 pm]
[Current Location |my room]
[mood |contemplativecontemplative]
[music |"Wonderfully Strange" ~ Eman]

I've noticed that the more I clean my room out, the better I feel. Sure, it's a real pain to go through every paper I've kept, or sort through all of my socks, but it's actually like a trip through Memory Lane, to be honest. Also, I feel like I'm a detective because I feel like in the bottom of my heart, I'm really searching for something that I haven't found yet, but something that will remind me of who I really am. I hope that makes sense...it does to me. :)

I feel like with every paper or miscellaneous thing I throw away or put into my future garage sale items bag, I am removing more of the clutter that has been festering in my mind for years now. I've put off really cleaning and organizing my room since I was in the 6th grade (weird and gross, I know...but it's true). I'm starting to realize just how much baggage I have been carrying for the last few years in particular, and every single thing I find and throw away somehow, I feel a little bit more relieved. I see these full garbage bags in my room, and it's such a reality check to find that there are so many things I've been harboring that I really DON'T need. This, in turn, caused me to consider the rest of my outlook on things like relationships unresolved, friendships ended on bad terms, social inconveniences, deaths of people and pets most dear to me, and many other things that I haven't been able to let go of and move beyond.

This whole "cleansing" of sorts has truly altered my outlook on a lot of things in life that I had buried in the back of my mind, and haven't looked upon out of fear of change. I've come to accept and embrace change over the years, and now more than ever, I've found that change is quite the good thing. It presents an opportunity to right wrongs, to find new paths, to take new journeys, to venture off into lands unknown, and to purify yourself of the regrets and resentments you've collected from the past. I feel like I'm freeing myself from the restricting chains of doubt and unresolved anger towards things out of my control. Change is inevitable. The sooner this idea is realized; the sooner the healing process begins. Adaptation to change is not something that one should wholeheartedly resist; it allows you to become one with the change, to find comfort in the change, and work around it so that you can function. This realization has caused me to break through the wall of fear, and push forward to achieve my truest and most passionate dreams in life, and has made me a better person in the long run. I am so excited for what the future has in store for me, and I haven't honestly felt that way in quite some time.

All in all, this winter break has caused me so change in so many fashions, and has allowed me to focus on what I want to do with my life. It has motivated me to be a better person, more family-oriented, more sociable, more outgoing and fun to be around (because I am honestly having real fun myself, and not hiding pain), and more excitement for me to feel in life's unpredictability.

I know this has been quite the long entry, but I only hope that all of you out there are able to feel this wonderful sense of resolution as I have. If any of you out there have been through this kind of life-cleansing experience, please, tell me and elaborate just how it affected you and how you TRULY feel. :D Take care, and I look forward to hearing from you :D

much <3,

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Just a quick update! [Dec. 27th, 2008|04:00 pm]
[Current Location |my room]
[mood |relievedrelieved]
[music |"If" ~ Janet Jackson]

Hello all! :) Winter break finally came, and I love it so far! Christmas was wonderful (I hope all of yours were just as amazing!), and I'm getting my life in order. I came to the decision recently to switch my major from Music Education - Choral Studies, to Vocal Performance! :) I'm so excited about it, and I'm eager to see what happens in the future for me as I continue on my college journey right now. It's such an adrenaline rush to know that I don't have to force myself to like the major that I didn't want in reality, I just keep putting off switching for so long, and now I'm ready for a change :D

The opera I'm in is next month (I play Venus in Orpheus in the Underworld!), and I'm in two opera scenes next semester. I'm so pumped for everything! :D I hope all is well with everyone, and I'll write again soon! :D

Love you all!


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This week... [Dec. 1st, 2008|09:30 am]
[Current Location |Room 320]
[mood |boredbored]
[music |"Polaroids" - Shawn Colvin]

So, here's the deal. Thanksgiving Break was a great time for me. I needed a break so very badly because of all of the things I'm going through right now, and I needed time to get some things figured out and solved so that SOME stress could be relieved. I've been struggling so much lately with sleep, and I feel my health starting to slip out of my hands. The only thing(s) keeping me going are my true friends, and my love for music.

I've come to find that I love so many random artists in music today. I love Shawn Colvin so much, and I'm starting to find that David Archuleta is a good choice as well. I don't know what it is, but I'm finding my own love for music genres, but I can't figure out what I want in life. I don't know why it's so hard for me to stay focused lately on what I truly want. I do want to be a teacher, don't get it twisted, but at the same time, all of the bullsh*t classes I'm taking this semester are wearing me out. I just can't take it. It is pushing me away from my passion now. When I went to the CMENC convention at the end of October, I had such a drive to do well, after talking with fellow colleagues and professors. Now, it feels like music education is almost a burden, in a way.

I feel like I want to perform now more than I want to teach. I don't know where that change came from, but I really want it. My dad teases me, saying things like "maybe I'll just quit my job and become your manager and agent." Sometimes, I realy wish that he was serious, but it is just so unrealistic. Plus, I'm NOWHERE near where I need to be body-wise, performance-wise, and mentally to become a performer in Hollywood or the likes of it. I hope to get to that point soon, but I just fear that I'm holding myself back from success right now, and I need to get a grip on that. I don't know, we'll see.

I'm in Music History I, right now, and not learning anything. So, I decided to type my feelings out. I'm so frustrated with my mixed emotions and my lack of sleep over the little things. I hope it goes away with time, but I guess I'll have to work on it.


Happy belated Thanksgiving Day, by the way.
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Really tired. [Nov. 25th, 2008|10:17 am]
[Current Location |room]
[mood |numbnumb]
[music |"Hard Times" - Eastmountainsouth]

So, here's the deal: I'm really fed up with just how selfish and cruel people are to me. People that I love and care a lot about. People whom I've cared for when no one else would. I don't understand why I'm the one that has to suffer for my good deeds for people. That's not to say that I expect anything particular in return, however, I just feel like it should be apparent that when I need help, or when I want to hang with people, that they notice and care a little bit for me, too. I've been disappointed time and time again, because people don't know how to be good friends. They use me, and then they let me float in the breeze, and only when THEY need something will they try to get me to do something. Words are cheap; actions speak louder than words.

I need to get the hell away from all of these people here at school and be with people who actually give a damn about how I feel, and care about whether I'm included or not. It really saddens me that some of the people I put the most value in are the ones that hurt me the very most. The worst part of it all is that they might never know how much they hurt me, because I'll never actually tell them how they broke my heart. I feel like I already have so many open wounds in my heart as it is, the last thing that I need are more people coming into my life and reopening them. It feels like with each person who harms me, they not only re-open the wound, but they put salt on it, and let it burn and ache, leaving me in utter agony.

What is really unfair is that even if I wanted to, I can't be blunt about how I feel only because I'm afraid that even though they've killed my feelings and tore my heart apart, I still don't want them to feel pain like I do. I'm so caring about my friends' feelings that I don't want to impede on their happiness, even if it comes at the expense of my own happiness. It's so frustrating. When I try to do what I want to do, I still slip into bad habits, and will still consider what other people will feel about it, or if I'm depriving someone else of something as a result. It's so tiring.

I feel like my health is starting to fade as another expense of me caring too much for others. I have terrible insomnia, and I have such a hard time staying awake, and staying healthy. My voice is slipping back into what it used to sound like, and I've come so far. I can't let it all go to hell in a handbasket. I just can't. It seems like I can't get myself out of this swamp of tainted emotions. I'm stuck in the mud of regret and doubt, and I can't get myself out of it, or just when I think I've gotten myself out of the swamp, and I'm home free, I will then somehow step into a vat of quicksand, and I will slowly seep in and all of my problems start to pile up. It's a beast, it swallows me whole.

All in all, I need this Thanksgiving Break to get through life, and deal with all of the stuff that I'm going through at this point. I need to be by my loyal friends, people who truly love me for my flaws and my triumphs. I need to work on myself, and I need to get my work for school done so that I might relax a little more during finals. That's all.

More later.

Maybe it is too much to be content with life right now.
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OMG!!! [Nov. 24th, 2008|07:22 am]
[Current Location |dorm room]
[mood |surprisedsurprised]
[music |"Thankful" - Josh Groban]

It's snowing! First real snow of the season :) Just thought I'd remind myself of just when the madness begins :D

Hope all is well, I'll blog more later.


Upside: Yay snow!

Downside: I have to walk in it in 10 minutes. At 7:30-ish in the morning. Damn.

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Mixed emotions... [Nov. 23rd, 2008|11:38 pm]
[Current Location |dorm room]
[mood |frustratedfrustrated]
[music |"Don't Forget" - Demi Lovato]

It's so frustrating for me right now to feel just one emotion at a time anymore. I could be totally happy one minute, and within seconds, it could change to total rage because of a stray thought that popped into my head. I'm not psycho, but I'm just so confused more than half of the time about how I really feel about situations.

For example, there is a guy that I've been flirting with for a while now, and he's been very receptive and responsive to me, and he's hit on me a ton of times. But recently, he's been ignoring me for some reason, even when I'm just trying to be a normal, chill friend of his. We both know that we could never see each other as more than friends, and he just wants one thing for us, but that's it. To be honest, I just wanted to keep it that way, too, but I fear that he doesn't think that, and thinks that I want more than that. It is just unrealistic, and irrational, but at the same time, I can't pretend like I haven't thought about it before. There is an element that is blocking us from getting together for anything more than friendship purposes. He's being a jerk and cutting our already small conversations even shorter, and making it seem like I'm a burden for even thinking about talking to him in the first place. It's total bull.

Then, there is another guy who I was getting to know; someone I met at a party, and he seemed nice and all. He was a total gentleman, and I was immediately attracted to him. He treated me so kindly, and made sure I was taken care of, and towards the end of the night, we kissed, which was something I never usually do when just meeting someone. He just seemed like a great guy, and I was really interested in him. He invited me to a party at his place for last night, and I went, and was totally disappointed. I thought he wanted me to be there, but he just ignored me for the most of the night, if not all the night. I was super pissed off, and I had no intention of being there as a burden to him, as well. I also couldn't stand seeing him so drunk and everything, too. He showed his true colors last night, and while I'm happy that happened so that I know what he's like, I'm so disappointed in him. What a let down.

There is another boy that I've had a MAD crush on since about a year-and-a-half ago. He's a sweet guy who's driven, dedicated, kind, thoughtful, and a truly great guy with a lot of heart. I've been enamored with him, and I've kept it as secret as possible, since a stupid girl last year told him that I had a crush on him at the beginning of the year. We're finally getting somewhere this year with our friendship, and I don't want to screw anything up, but I'm so in love with him, and he'll never know. I'm so tired of waiting for something good to go for me with this guy. I'm so done. I'll just have to comply with the "friends only" rule, which is usually what happens to me. So trivial.

All in all, I'm just so mad at myself, and almost feel self-loathing in general. I kinda feel like I hate myself in a way, even when I was starting to get on the right track for the first time. I'm so tired of myself. I just want to free myself from this anger, but it doesn't seem like that's what's gonna happen. Oh, well. Self-loathing it is.

Don't tell me everything is going to be alright, and not to worry so much. It just doesn't work for me, and it's annoying when I'm told to be happy when I'm clearly fucking mad. Nothing personal, it's just how I operate. Please, and thank you.

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I figured an update was in order :) [Nov. 22nd, 2008|12:14 pm]
[Current Location |home]
[mood |contemplativecontemplative]
[music |"All That Matters" - Addison Road]

Well, it has been quite some time since my last entry...I believe it's been at least a year or so! What a whirlwind of a year it has been for me, though. I have had very limited time to do a lot of things on the side lately. I have had so many ups and downs within in the last year, between friends, possible relationships, school, and new ideas about what I want my life to be like. I've learned so much about myself as a person, and what I want to accomplish.

I feel that since the beginning of 2008, I've been composing so many new chapters in my life. There are so many new facets of hope and happiness in my life. I've made new friends that I'm very sure that I'll have for the rest of my life. I also feel like I want to do better for myself, not to look better in the eyes of others, which used to be my main agenda. I finally figured out that no one will want to notice you if you are forcing them to see something that you want them to see. It isn't worth wasting the time in waiting for someone to take things that you do into account. You just have to trust that in time, you will find special people out there who truly like you for your triumphs, your mistakes, and everything in between.

I've experienced so much personal growth since January. I've noticed so many things that I really do like about myself, and the things that I don't like about myself are starting to just fading in terms of their importance. I realized that I have so many qualities that make me unique to so many people, when prior to this year, I thought I was just another face in the crowd. I don't necessarily feel like a new person, but I am approaching myself in a new light, and, in that, I feel different.

Change can be a great thing. It can really suck sometimes, don't get me wrong, but I feel that it really is about how you react to change that makes you who you are. I've been more flexible and open to change for the better, even if it takes more sacrifice than I bargained for. It will all be worth it in the long run.

I will say that without the friends that I've made this year, and without the friends who have stuck with me through thick and thin (and you know who you are), I don't think I would have made it as far as I have in my personal growth. Even when there are fights and miniscule squabbles, or even massive blow-ups, they have all taught me something new with each new experience. In retrospect, I feel very grateful for the life lessons I've learned because of all that I've been through. I look forward to everything I'm going to experience, good or bad, and excited for what the future has to hold.

I hope that all of you out there are doing very well, and I've missed journaling like this. As cliche as it is, it truly is like a sweet form of therapy. I love it so much more than I could possibly say. I don't know why I've been avoiding doing it for so long...I know now that I'm going to do this at least once a week, or more if I have time. I will have more time over break, so that's exciting. I'll write again soon. Take care, and life like there's no tomorrow. :D

much <3,

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anyone there? [Aug. 10th, 2007|04:17 am]
[Current Location |my crib :P *i'm so white*]
[mood |crazycrazy/chill/smiley]
[music |"Tobira no Mukou e" - YeLLoW Generation]

hehe...sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo i thought i'd let you all know that i am in looooooooove with two very very special men :)

1) vic mignogna <3
2) travis willingham <3

*le sigh*

two total heartthrobs in my life...that's why i'm a miniskirt ranger...not either or hahaha...i can't decide. don't judge. you wouldn't be able to either :P

FMA is so darn inspiring....ugh. i want to be a voice actress sooooooooooo bad....i can barely stand it anymore. i think it's time i finally put myself out there and record a demo so i can at least attempt to get myself even semi-started somewhere. i'd be happy with pro bono work, but i hope to make it to funimation one day, or somewhere like it :)

who knows...we'll see what happens!!! i'm so pumped for the start of school...20 credits this semester!!! i'm going to die....but that's okay. no worries, i'm a tough girl! i can handle it!!! :)

let me know how you all are doing! i miss you all! :)

much <333

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soooooo summer is amazing :) [Jul. 16th, 2007|02:35 pm]
[Current Location |Hogwart's :)]
[mood |happyincandescently happy]
[music |"Pink Champagne" - Venus Hum]

hey everybody!!!

how is the summer going for everyone? mine is going splendidly. i really feel like i'm renewing myself this summer...gaining new perspectives on me and how i can better myself as a person. i've changed so much over the course of this last year of college, and i'm really looking forward to the future now. i'm pumped for sophomore year of college (which is a very good sign haha), and i'm ready to become the person that i know i can be. i'm really focusing on changing or re-evaluating my "less than graceful" qualities, and instead of trying to get rid of them, i'm trying to make them more "public-friendly". i feel really confident in myself nowadays, and i'm positive that the image that i have for myself will slowly begin to become a reality for me over the next few weeks. i'm so excited.

enough about me...how are all of you? did any of you see the new harry potter movie, and if so, what did you think? i'm pretty sure that that movie is my favorite of the whole series. david yates did such a phenomenal job at directing the movie. it was the most heartracing, emotional, fascinating, and exciting movie of them all, THAT'S for sure. :) daniel radcliffe is really starting to transform into a wonderful young actor. i really admire his courage to go beyond what he knows to create such a wonderful character out of harry. i really felt that this movie was the pivotal movie for him in regards to change, and i can't wait to see the next one to see what he does next. because of his performance, as well as rupert grint, whom i love to death, emma watson's performance, which has grown leaps and bounds over the years, and my friend sasha *she is a total book fanatic*, i've decided to finally put my pride aside, and finally read all of the books *minus the seventh, o'course :) haha*. i'm so excited :)

well, anywho, let me know what you think, and let me know what is new in your lives...i feel like it's been ages since i've spoken to any of you!!!! i hope all is well, and i'll be updating more often, for sure. :) hope to hear from you all very, very soon! :) love you guys!

much <333


ps- my music taste has changed quite a bit, but nothing crazy...just a thought, if you guys like good music that's a little "off-center", check out Venus Hum's "Pink Champagne"...it's my newest favorite song that i simply can't get out of my head!!!! ^_^ enjoy!
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